Happy birthday blog! You are now a year old! Actually that occurred on the 9th, but this is close enough.
So in my neverending quest to figure out who the crap I am, I took another one o’ them online personality things, this one trying to pinpoint what “animal” I am, and here are the results:
You are either a Porcupine or a Penguin personality.
But you may also be a Snake personality.
I think I fit pretty well into that Penguin description, but with some of the cynicism of the Porcupine. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a better “online personality test” description of me than the line that says, “Since penguins have the coldest feet in the animal kingdom, it’s no surprise that within its conflicted bosom there beats the warmest heart of all.” Eternal love from afar, it seems.
About a week and a half ago I took a trip up to West Yellowstone again to see Ben and Kj, as well as the shows at the Playmill. Oddly enough, I found I still majorly liked Liz Whittaker. I’ll mention her by name because it’s very doubtful that she’ll ever see this, nor anybody that would even know who she was. I read her blog every now and again, and what I find out is quite interesting. Keep in mind that everything to follow is totally my opinion and could be wrong, but it’s what I see.
I’ve actually liked Liz for a long time now, since her first semester at BYU-I in, I believe, the fall of 2004. I liked her slightly off-kilter sense of humor (well, that type of humor was shared by nearly everybody I hung out with at the time), but more than that I liked her earnestness, her intelligence, and her poetic streak. Plus, I thought she was awfully cute. Not cute in the “Awwwww…” way, or in the “Everybody’s cute in their own special way” way, but actually “I’d give you a kiss if we were in the right situation” attractive. Unfortunately, that situation never materialized, as, me being the spineless weenie when it comes to girls that I am, I rarely ask anybody out until I get definite signs that they are interested in me. And it seemed that the person Liz was interested in was none other than my brother Ben! [sarcasm]Wow, that’s never happened before![/sarcasm] Skinny guys are cute; the end.
Anyway, I don’t think she ever found out I liked her, even though, unlike most of the girls I’ve liked over the years, I actually told people I liked her. And not just my good friends and family members, either; I even told some of her roommates, in case they could somehow egg her on. (You know, “Hey, I hear that Jeff Parkes is pretty cool!” “Yeah, you should really get to know him better!” and so on.) I doubt it ever happened, but it apparently was in the mind of the roommates later. In fact, a few weeks ago I ran into one of her old roommates Alexis, who now meets for church in the same building as my singles’ ward, and she remembered me as “the guy who dated my old roommate Liz” when in actuality that never happened.
So nothing ever materializes, and I leave BYU-I, and that’s the end of that chapter right? Ben is still going there, though, and according to Kjersti’s sources ends up making out with her even though he never really liked her in that way! Since Ben has a bad habit of letting his hormones control him sometimes without building a working relationship with a girl beforehand, this presumably leads to the situation that I described in this very blog on Feb. 26 of this year (yes, Liz is one of the two girls I mention in that entry).
I got the link to her blog through my Bebo account. Some people’s blogs describe what they want to tell the world but never really can. At least that’s how my blog is. And I believe hers as well, as I’ve discovered a lot of things about her own perception of things. Things like how she doesn’t believe in herself because she doesn’t believe she’s as good as all the talented people she surrounds herself with. That’s got to be a hurtful thing, and one I can sympathize with, as I believe nearly everyone can to a degree (except for the cocky). I mean, you’ve got proof of that here on this blog, but here’s something else to consider. Probably the most “amazing” and “talented” thing I’ve ever done it the orchestration of the musical Travels. 24 orchestra parts, 40+ songs, in 2 1/2 months, all while I attended high school with all its attendant duties, and directed the pit orchestra for the show as the songs were being done. Absolutely astounding, and I still can’t believe I did it. However, I ended up writing this “poem” (in an AIM conversation with myself, no less), which, among other angsty things, expresses my great doubt that what I do will be any good, especially to myself.
In any case, I find a girl very attractive who regularly reflects on what makes life worth living and what makes themselves as a person work. At work I’m surrounded by girls who drive me absolutely insane with their inane chatter about their husbands/hair/guy they made out with last night/times they skipped class in high school/etc. etc. ad nauseum. I also find it very attractive when a girl is good looking but doesn’t believe that she is. I know, I guess I’m kind of wired weird, but that’s how I am. So reading her blog has endeared her to me all the more, except for one thing: she still has no obvious interest in me, plus since we’re separated by distance I don’t really have the power to start anything even if I worked up the guts.
Which brings me to the West Yellowstone trip taken from June 28-July 1. I go up there with Josh again, as well as Annelise and my nieces Ivy and Madeleine, now three and two years old, respectively. During the variety show before Seven Brides for Seven Brothers (which bit, by the way, but it wasn’t Playmill’s fault; the show itself just bites) she’s onstage dancin’ in some musical number with the rest of the Playmillites, when she spots us sitting in the second row and gets really excited to see us, moreso than anybody else up there (who knew who we were). Since had only met Josh once before briefly and didn’t really know Annelise or the girls, I can only assume that her excitement was directed toward me. Afterward I give her a big hug for a job well done, etc. etc. Over the next few days we hang out a little bit, but mostly for a half and hour or so after the show, and always in the company of other people. Since Liz isn’t that great of a public flirt (which is fine by me), there are no overt signs, but for some reason I get the impression that she at least has some sort of feelings toward me.
Now keep in mind that I already said earlier that I could be completely wrong. For all I know she considers me as simply a friend whom she hadn’t seen in a while, nothing more. (And rightly so, for that’s all I technically am.) But it was the little things that gave me that impression. There are two such instances that stick out to me. The first was late one of the nights (Thursday, I believe). Liz, Ben, Jeff Gonzalez, and Kristi Bates were all talking about something or other in her “living room” in her apartment that she shares with Kristi and two others. As it’s getting late, one by one the others begin to leave, until it’s only us two left. This was the only time the entire trip that we were alone in the same room together. Before everybody left we were just chattin’ and chillin’, all relaxed ‘n stuff. But as it’s just us two, suddenly it gets a little awkward. For me, it was partly because I wanted to say a lot of what I’ve said in this blog about her, but couldn’t think of any logical way to vocalize any of it without looking like an idiot. Strangely enough, she kind of seems the same way, as if she wanted to say something, but was afraid to. Finally, we just kind of bid each other a hasty good night and headed off to our respective sleeping quarters. Admittedly, this situation could be explained away any number of ways, but my eternal optimist always hopes for the best! (And to tell you the truth, the only intro line I could think of was “Have you ever really really wanted to kiss somebody?” but I didn’t use it, for obvious reasons. I try not to become as hormone-controlled as a certain sibling of mine, even if it hurts sometimes.)
The second situation occurred the next night, after Forever Plaid (which was a much better show, IMO). It was very simple, but spoke volumes to me. I was waiting for Ben to clean the theater or Annelise & Josh to be ready to leave, whichever came first, and while I was waiting I was playing the piano onstage (this was obviously after the audience had left). Most people have two reactions to me playing the piano. If they aren’t related to me, they usually give me a compliment or two. If they are, they either don’t say anything or tell me to knock it off. (Oh, what a constructive world I live in!) Anyway, Liz was helping clean up the stage that night, and while I was playing she came up behind me, stopping her clean-up to listen. She seemed like she wanted to say something to me, but didn’t know how to say it.
It is my observation that, for people like me, it is hard to give compliments to people you like, for fear of your subtext showing through. I have been in the position of observing someone doing something wonderful, but not saying anything; just observing and wanting to compliment, yet not complimenting. In any case, if she had something to say to me she never did, as suddenly Ben came up, reached over, and switched off the keyboard, in essence telling me to knock it off. At that point Liz immediately went back to her cleaning, and I didn’t even see her the rest of the trip, let alone have a chance to say goodbye.
There were more instances like these, but these two seem to stick out more. Circumstancial evidence? Perhaps, but I’d prefer to think that there was at least something there from her. Not an out-and-out “I love you more than the world itself!” but at least an “I find you likeable enough to give ‘us’ a shot, if the situation warranted it.” Still, since she’s in Idaho and I’m in Utah it’d be difficult. Which is why I am seriously considering trying out for the Playmill next summer. The ideal situation would be:we both try out and are accepted, spend an entire summer together, actually start going out, and then, who knows? I have no idea if I could make it into Playmill (nor if she would again, since, according to Kjersti’s “insider knowledge” with the Merrills she was mostly chosen to fill out the cast this year), nor if my feelings or her “feelings” would still be there in a year. But tryouts are still a long ways away, and who knows what will happen before then?
In any case, it’s off to bed for me now. Who knows; maybe I’ll start updating this thing regularly again! For now, gouda night!
