Jeff's online journal, ramblings, whatever.

Where do I go from here?

Well, a whole lot has happened since that last entry, but I’m still waiting for fulfillment. “What the foo?!?” you might be saying right now, so let me use an analogy that I alluded to on January 10, 1997.

The comic strip in question starts with Calvin looking at his dad in a chair. Calvin says, “Ka-Zam!” and his dad turns into a one-eyed alien thing. He then proceeds to turn a lot of normal everyday stuff into weird, alien-type stuff until his parents are fed up with his noise and send him to his room. He opens the window and says, “Ka-Zam!” one last time. The last panel is Calvin’s house in a beautiful alien landscape with many moons and a purple, faded atmosphere, like at sunset. The kicker is Calvin’s expression. He looks like he’s sulking, as if even though he’s achieved a kid’s desire, he’s severely disappointed. Well, at least the last panel applies to my recent feelings.

When Travels finally ended last entry, I thought that I had finally accomplished one of my life’s main goals. I had thought that I would be a happy man once I’ve had my music played live by people, something that never happened with SaXon Geat. Intellectually, after it had ended, I was still trying to convince myself that I had been fulfilled, especially after all the work I put in (hence the postscript on last time’s entry). However, in my heart I knew it wasn’t true. Something was missing. Something important. I thought, “Well, maybe it’s because those weren’t really my songs. Nate wrote them, I just orchestrated them. If it was one of my own songs I’d be happy.” So graduation comes along, and, after much hard work and many scandals, I get to conduct the Hunter High School orchestra in playing a song I wrote entitled “Lightning.” Still didn’t help. It should have, but it didn’t. What’s wrong?

That’s why I’m like that last panel. I’ve accomplished almost all of the (realistic) goals I’ve had for as long as I can remember. I’ve had songs of mine played live. I have a computer of my own that I bought Saturday. I’m going to BYU. I even have a fair amount of friends, something I’ve been longing for since before this journal began. Yet, it hasn’t worked. Something big is missing. So now my task is to achieve the thing that will make me happy, with the added challenge of finding out exactly what it is. Sounds like a daunting task? We shall see, I suppose. We shall see. Casey Wayman’s going into the MTC Wednesday.

Golly, I’m pooped. Time to wrap up this rather uninformative journal entry. I guess there’s only one thing left to say, so I gotta say it. Here it comes: Well, gotta go. Bye.

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