Jeff's online journal, ramblings, whatever.

The Ultimate Survey

I’m vegas lucky! Whatever that means!

So I figured for those out there who might be reading this that don’t really know who I am, I’d post a survey that I took many many years ago as one of them email forwards. It reveals a lot about me, but probably not the info that’s usually revealed in this type of survey. Enjoy!

The Ultimate Survey

1. Full name: The name is not what is important.
2. Nickname: My name’s not Nick.
3. Birthplace: Mother
4. School: yep.
5. Bacon bits or croutons: What sort of question is this?
6. Favorite salad dressing: I prefer to shut the blinds
7. What type of deodorant do you use: Deodorant? Hah! Anti-perspirant is more likely.
8. Favorite shampoo or conditioner: I skip the sham poo and go for the real stuff
9. Favorite color: I’m a bit partial toward chartreuse, but fuschia and mauve compliment ochre and russet quite nicely.
10. Best friends: Todd & Copper
11. One pillow or two: depends on how large the indigestion is
12. Pets: peeve
13. Favorite Movie: jerk
14. Favorite type of music: you can’t type music!
15. Hobbies: Frodo, of course! Wait, no, that’s a hobbit
16. Dream car: I can’t seem to recall that dream
17. Type of car you drive: Hot Wheels(literally. I get this big wheel and leave it in the sun.)
18. Words or phrases you overuse: barfusswasserschilaufenweltmeisterscheft, jerk
19. Toothpaste: My teeth hold together on their own, thank you very much!
20. Favorite food: Did you know that doof is food spelled backwards! you doof.
21. Favorite book? Curious George and the Ebola Virus
22. Favorite author? the God of Thunder. Use Mjoldmin!
23. Favorite town to chill in: Baffin Island, 3rd glacier left at the Arctic Circle
24. Favorite Kind of Ice Cream: Are you implying I scream?
25. Favorite pop: dad
26. What’s your bedtime: that should be a question mark, not a colon.
27: Favorite shoes: that one sneaker that talked to Elmo the other day
28. Favorite song at the moment: jerk
29. Who are your heros? A bit of meat, lettuce, and tomatoes with a toothpick and an olive on top.
30. Favorite web site: Charlotte’s Web site
31. Favorite subject in school: I’m not a king; therefore, I have no subjects.
32. Least favorite subject: see #31
33. Favorite sport to watch: killing
34. Your most humiliating moment? filling out this survey
35. Craziest person or silliest person you know: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! — whew!
36. Favorite Holiday: did you know that holiday backwards is yadiloh? That’s why yodelers never get their own holiday. Yadiloh!
37. What kind of work do you do: Force x Distance
38. Are you an inside or outdoors person? that’s improper grammarian parallelism, I’m afraid.
39. Have you ever been shot at? Yes, and I am dead. Think about it.
40. Sports: yes there are sports in the world
41. Say one thing about the person that sent you this: my guess is there are clothes about them.
43. Pierce your nose or tongue? ask Mr. Pierce, not me.
44. Be serious or be funny? seriously funny
45. Boxers or briefs? Brief boxers
46. Whole or skim milk? whole skim milk
47. Single or taken? taken single
48. Simple or complicated? simply complex
49. Law or anarchy? the law of anarchy
50. Flowers or angels? Angels with flowers which hold little angels holding little baby’s breath or something.
51. Gray or grey? griy
52. Read or write? rite
53. Color or black-and-white photos?: both a question mark and a colon? that’s overkill, my dear
54. Sunrise or sunset? If I were a rich man
55. Rap or rock?: scissors
56. Stay up late or wake up late? wouldn’t a person do both or neither?
57. More romantic: Bath or shower? is this two questions? THIS SURVEY MAKES NO SENSE!
58. Is it POP or SODA? there’s no such thing as baking POP, now, is there?
59. Leather wallet or velcro wallet? I prefer Eddie Haskell
60. Eat an apple or an orange? an orange apple. I believe they’re called Fujis.
61. What came first the chicken or the egg: the egg. The chicken was too, well, chicken.
62. Wet Seal or Contempo? Gesundheit.
63. Light or dark nail polish? You polish your nails? I just hammer ’em in
64. Tall or short girls? (or guys)? I thought there was an equal mix.
65. Emerald or ruby? Rubies make neater laser guns
66. Jeans or Khakis on girls? (or guys)? I think khakis are tacky because that rhymes.
67. Left or right? huh?
68. 10 Acquaintances or 1 best friend? 10 best friends
69. Vanilla or chocolate cake? Dad is great!
70. Leonardo DiCaprio or Tom Cruise? Doesn’t matter, they both crash ships
71. Green beans or carrots? green carrots.
72. Low fat or fat free? oh there’s a little bit of good in everybody
73. Ponytail or leave it down on girls? nay
74. Silver jewelry or gold jewelry? no
75. Kids or no kids? that’s hitting a bit below the belt
76. Cat or dog? can spell both
77. Half empty or half full? right now, incredibly hungry
78. Mustard or ketchup? in the ballroom with the lead pipe
79. Hard-cover or soft-cover books? I prefer easy-covers
80. Newspaper or magazine? yes
81. Sandals or sneakers? sneaky sandals. That way they’re easy to slip on and you still look like Bill Cosby
82. Red car or white car? don’t get me started in this debate
83. Hug or kiss? Sir Lovesalot, the bear who loves to love.
84. Courdoroy or plaid? doesn’t matter, as long as it comes with fitted knickers
85. Happy or sad? had or sappy? Why can’t we just be mildy rational people?
86. Live or die? fake your death, then go to Canada
87. Favorite TV show: 5 guesses, and it’s not Digimon
88. What’s on your mouse pad? my drama teacher’s husband
89. Worst feeling in the world: back molar on the left
90. Best feeling in the world: I really liked the job he did on the bicuspid
91. First thought in the morning: Boom chicka wiggy wagga
92. Do you get motion sickness? Not when still
93. Future sons names: Omission of apostrophes now, eh? My 9th grade English teacher would hang you.
94. Future daughters names: see #93
95 Are you a good friend? You’ve got a friend in me
96. What pisses you off the most? drinking lots of water
97. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? I sleep with a live animal:myself
98. If I could meet anyone in the world who would it be? whoever wrote this survey so I could give them some Daily Oral Language lessons.
99. Zodiac sign:Left Turn Yield on Green
100. What do you wear to bed? sheets
101. If you could have any profession you want, what would it be? Prof. Plum
102. IF YOU COULD HAVE JUST ONE TATTOO, WHAT WOULD IT BE AND WHERE? a prostate gland. Really, it looks like a valentine heart! I’m serious! Go ask your Congressman about it right now! Pick up the phone this second and call him and ask! He’ll give you money if you do!
103. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE QUOTATION: “The Ranger’s where flowing a leaded of break-ins.”
104. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE: After 25 years, I’ve swept your floor
105. WHAT’S ON THE WALLS OF YOUR ROOM: Pictures of jerks
108. WHAT’S ON YOUR BED: jerks
109. HOW DO YOU TURN OFF CAPS LOCK…wait nevermind.
110. Do you observe Boxing Day? If so, when? in my


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