Jeff's online journal, ramblings, whatever.

Revision

I’d like to revise my opinion of Liz’s opinion of me. I don’t think she has any interest whatsoever other than a friend. I think I wanted to see something there that wasn’t, and jumped to a lot of unfounded conclusions. So, just to set the record straight, in case any awkwardness would result otherwise. (I know the chances of her reading this blog are basically nil, since nobody reads this blog but me and apparently Haley on occasion, but I just want to cover my bases.) She posted in her blog again, and the only thing she said that might be remotely related was that in the past month she “read 2 books that have made me acutely aware of the pain of being near someone that you love but can’t be with.” I know that pain, but I don’t think she was referring to me, as I’m not near her. I’m guessing JD, ’cause everybody loves JD, much to Ben’s chagrin! I suppose Ben:me as JD:Ben or Brent:Ben. Even though both Brent and JD are married. Sometimes I give Ben a hard time in this blog, and I’d like to apologize for that. Although he really has had more success with girls than I have, he hasn’t had the success, and that puts us all in the same boat. And I guess the difference between Ben:me and JD:Ben or Brent:Ben is that Ben hasn’t succeeded either.

Oh, well. I gotta go to work.

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2 responses

  1. Sunday, 23 July 2006 – 12:03 AM MDT
    Name: Anonymous

    Hey. I found your blog while I was looking into the Playmill… I used to be a Playmill player many years ago and every once in a while I google out the Playmill to see what’s going on, usually reviews and such. Now that the blogging age has started it is amazing the things I find.

    So first off, everyone types their name into Google to see what comes up and when Liz types in her full name your blog will pop-up. You say you don’t want her to read it, but I think you do. Your writings remind me of the ramblings I used to have in my black composition notebook (the blog medium of choice many years ago).

    Here is my point in writing to you. It is like I have found some type of time machine where I can send a message to myself back in time. Here is what I have to say (please don’t take it the wrong way – and I mean in lovingly). Quit being a wuss.

    I mean if you have such a love for Liz, then pick yourself up and talk to her about it. Write a letter, call her on the phone, drive up for another visit, do something. If she finds you as fascinating as you find her, great. If she rejects you, then great … move on with your life and focus it on something constructive to yourself and your talents. Your future mate, whoever it is, would want you to constantly improve yourself instead of shutting your emotions away in a blog and spend time reading other blogs to see if they make mention of you.

    Create life, don’t just sit back and wait for it to happen. Don’t just sit back and wait for Kim or Liz to tell you that they think you are being creepy. Put your emotions out there. Pent-up emotions are wasted energy if you do nothing with them.

    I understand the fear (believe me, I really do). You don’t want to ruin a friendship, and it will make you vulnerable. But surely she has caught a glimpse of your feelings. All women know when a guy likes them no matter how hard you try to hide it. You are not fooling them, I assure you.

    You have so much creative energy in you that is being wasted on pinning over distant love. You need to become vulnerable and express those emotions. Music, theater, acting, writing … whatever your medium, it is time to pick up your hammer and chisel and start pounding.

    January 3, 2007 at 7:15 pm

  2. Sunday, 23 July 2006 – 11:44 AM MDT
    Name: Jeff Parkes
    Home Page: http://www.angelfire.com/tv/rradventure/weblog

    Hey there anonymous user! It’s fun to see what random people can read my blog now, since sometimes I do forget that this is in cyberspace and therefore anybody can really read it. (Maybe I should title a blog “Tom Cruise” and see how many people come because it pulls up in a search!)

    Anyway, regarding your comments, I think there’s some good advice in there (and certainly stuff that I should follow). However, the biggest problem with doing that with the situation with Liz is the fact that she is hundreds of miles away and our paths will probably not cross again in the foreseeable future. When I was up there there was little time in which she was not busy and I was not helping look after my two-and-three-year-old nieces. Maybe I should’ve done something back when we both went to BYU-I, but as you correctly pointed out, I have been a bit of a wuss at times. Plus, she liked my brother. I know that’s not a good excuse, but kind of an obstacle, especially to a man like me, who would rather see my brother find happiness than find it myself while he’s still going through tough times. Kind of weird, but that’s how I am.

    That’s also why I said I was considering trying out for the Playmill next year, as that’s really the only foreseeable way that we’d be in proximity for any good length of time. That’s the only way I can see that something would reasonably happen, for you can’t just call a person up or write a letter, confess your undying love and devotion for said person, and then say, “But I’ve got obligations here in Utah, so unless you want to move to Provo then we’ll probably never see each other.” That isn’t fair.

    My other problem, at least at the moment, is that I’ve been burned recently in the past. I only mentioned this in passing in my main blog, mostly because I’d like to pretend the whole thing didn’t happen, but last fall I was dating a girl for a while, and I thought we were getting kind of serious. For Christmas I bought her some flowers (because, hey, all girls love flowers, right?) and suddenly she doesn’ want to do anything with me anymore. It was never a “I’m sorry, I think we should end this relationship” but more of a “I can’t do anything this week, I’ve got to (random excuse)” for several weeks in a row. Plus, regarding Kim, like I said I’ve tried to contact her a few times since my mission ended (and still do, on occasion), but have never received a response. Whenever I’m on the BYU campus in the music department I keep an eye out for her (and now that I’m going to live down there I’m going to be on campus much more often), but so far no luck. Of course, she has every right to be standoff-ish, as it was I who let her down.

    My next issue is a problem with blogs in general. Normally when I get the urge to record my feelings it’s when I get especially contemplative or angsty. Just for the record, I don’t spend most of my time locked in a little ball pining away for girls that don’t live within a hundred-mile radius. That’s why sometimes months can pass and this blog never gets an entry; I’m out there living life and don’t have much to say about it. Therefore, anybody who reads this blog will probably get the impression that I’m a lot more depressed than I normally am.

    I’m not sure whether I want Liz (or Kim) to read this whole thing(it might be a good, non-confrontational way for her to find out how I feel, actually), but what I said was I think it’s doubtful. This blog might come up in a Google search for her name, but I just ran one and it didn’t come up for the first ten pages out of more than a thousand. But if she does find it, at least she’ll know.

    I do appreciate the advice, however, and it’s definitely something that I need to follow in the future, even if it means rejection (as it did in the past). And, for the record, I do normally put my creative talents to good use, even when I’m feeling angsty. I’ve written or arranged over 90 songs over the years (that I have saved on my hard drive, anyway). For a few examples, when I had a crush on Anya Young, I wrote this song (minus the weird “jazzy” part in the middle; I did that later.) I indirectly wrote this song for a girl I liked at the time. And my favorite song I ever wrote, “Lightning” (and its orchestrated version I wrote for a girl pen pal I had at the time. I express myself through the songs I write.

    Thanks for the comments! Would that I had the guts to follow them more often!

    January 3, 2007 at 7:15 pm

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