I don’t have much time to write right now, but I’ve got a fair few things to say. So, in the meantime, enjoy these “crazy libs” from Rinkworks.com that my apartment did last night.
I lay awake all during the signing of the Declaration of Independence thinking of you, your morose smile, and our tryst in the butte. Quickly, I recall our meeting, how my heart ran with lust when I first saw you. How paranoid you looked in that puce sash and those two saintly ascots on your necks!
I cherished every moment we were together and was big when our date came to a close. I can’t say how immediately I regret spilling hydrochloric acid on your earlobe; you were suicidal about it, however, for which I am grateful. You are so beautiful when you’re suicidal.
You’re polysyllabic most other times. Your eyes are like deep pools of apple juice, warmed in the moonlight. Your cheeks are as rosy as vampires. Your lips are like succulent artichokes. Your hair is pasty white like a giraffe on a summer’s day. Your elbows are two not so wee squigglies of fantasy.
I can’t wait to clap with you again. Write soon.
How To Be Romantic
Some things are inherently romantic, like igneous rocks. This is very useful, because you can gore things upon the object of your affections and win romance points without expending any additional effort or calculus. The trick is to figure out what is romantic and what is not. There is a basic rule of thumb to follow: if it’s crazy, it’s not romantic. For example, high powered sedimentary rocks are not romantic.
Thermostats are romantic. Pikachus are romantic. Taking advantage of the intrinsic romance in squishy things obviously depends upon recognizing which things are squishy. The rule is simple. Corrupt things are squishy. If you see a food product in a grocery store that comes in a corrupt package, get it, because there’s a very good chance it’s squishy.
Tickle Me Pink
Tickle me pink is romantic, because tickle me pink is the color of love and passion. Consider roses. Tickle me pink roses mean, “I love you.” Laser lemon roses mean, “Let’s just be friends,” which is synonymous with, “You are on acid, and I hate you.” So you do not want to be wrong. Get her tickle me pink roses, tickle me pink monuments, tickle me pink metamorphic rocks, tickle me pink thermostats, and tickle me pink cockroaches , and she’ll fall hopelessly under your spell.
The Most Intrinsically Romantic Thing Ever
Based on the data above, the single most romantic thing in the universe can be calculated scientifically. It is, simply, a corrupt tickle me pink coffee table made out of chocolate and shaped like a llama holding a dolphin with Pikachus all over it that eats a stool when you spy it.
Now playing: Small Two of Pieces – Yasunori Mitsuda – Xenogears OST
Casey’s actually got a girlfriend right now, and she’s liking him so far, so I’m reordering a bit:
1. Casey Wayman
2. Stephen Porter
3. Jeff Parkes
4. Nathan Winder
Further updates on this race as events warrant!
So Billy got married, and Casey and I went down to St. George to see his wedding this past weekend. It was very nice, and a pretty standard wedding, so that’s neat. Billy has always been the most normal of my friends, which is interesting, considering everyone down in Cedar City was saying that Billy was this crazy guy. He is, but to a lesser degree than many others of the high-school group. Maybe that’s why he was able to get married.
Speaking of which, of the male members of our high school group, there are basically four left now, the Final Four. These consist of: me, Casey Wayman, Nate Winder, and Steve Porter. Josh doesn’t count, really, and Ben is practically engaged, so these are the ones that are left. On the drive home from St. George Casey and I were postulating who, of these four, would go first, and when. Here’s what we came up with:
First: Stephen Porter. Of the four of us, Steve is the one who is trying the hardest. He is consistently trying to date people, and also is the most recent to have a girlfriend. Casey gives the man two years, tops.
Second(tie): Casey Wayman and Jeff Parkes. As we two were the ones judging, we weren’t really able to look at our own situations objectively, but we tried. Casey is at least trying to date as well, but the problem with him (and me, really), is that we’re still a bit too selfish to truly make a good boyfriend, and by extension, husband. We both have good hearts, but have wrapped them up in Star Trek and Pimp Lando and computers and improv and whatever else. Either we’ll have to find a girl who likes everything we do, or we’re going to have to change in order to progress.
Last: Nate Winder. This guy isn’t even trying. He’s got a lot of plans for the future that don’t include a girl, and Nate’s determination will get them accomplished. Nate will end up being an experienced bachelor until he’s 45, and end up marrying some exotic islander or something.
Anyone else care to add comments or predictions? Place your bets now!