Jeff's online journal, ramblings, whatever.

Archive for April, 2010

That look

I noticed tonight during a home evening activity that I have grown extremely cynical, even for me, and I thought it might be wise to try to explore why.

When it comes to attraction, there’s that one undefinable quality, one that I lack. I don’t know what it is. Everyone I’ve ever dated seriously has either been suffering from depression or not that into it in the first place. And the ones suffering from depression just needed someone, and I was there. They’ve never lasted more than a month. I’ve pursued relationships with girls who I thought were interested, girls I really liked. But there comes a time in all these where she gives that look. You know, the one that says, “How do I cut this guy loose?” I think I’ve gotten pretty good at recognizing this look. I’ve seen it probably close to a dozen times. In the past, the look usually comes pretty early on, but at first I didn’t recognize it. Then in later relationships I thought I did, but just hoped I was wrong about it (I wasn’t). In my most recent failed attempt at a relationship, it only took three dates to figure it out, as opposed to a few months like with many previous ones. If there has been a girl who genuinely liked me for me, and not just ’cause they felt obligated/wanted to have fun with some random guy/used me as some sort of venting board and discarded me afterward, I have yet to hear about it.

There’s something I don’t have that guys who have successful dating lives and get married do have. I don’t know what it is. I’ve tried to figure out what it is I’m missing. I try to be on my best behavior when I go out, yet still be myself. I’ve tried to treat girls like queens. I’ve tried to treat girls like human beings. I’ve tried treating dates like they were no big deal; no pressure, no worries. I’ve tried treating dates like they were a big deal: nice dinner, fun activity, even a walk afterward or whatever. I feel like I’ve tried everything, but sooner or later, that look appears, and it’s over. Doesn’t matter how much longer the actual relationship lasts, it’s over from that point.

So what is it? What do other guys have that I’m missing?

This is not a new thing. I even wrote a song about it once. But it’s been weighing on my mind heavily lately, and as a result it’s been sapping my will. It’s gotten to the point that whenever I see a girl I might be interested in, I immediately dismiss the notion that I should do anything about it, simply because I’m done putting in the time and effort to get to the point where that look comes and then I’ve wasted some more time and gone through an emotional wringer to be back at square one. Until I know what I’ve got to change, it’s not worth it. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. And the fact that I have no idea what I need to change gives an added feeling of helplessness to the loneliness I’ve already been swimming in most of my life.

I still possess the capacity to love. I just have nowhere to direct it. And that eats at your soul, bit by bit, until you find it hard to love anything again. In the movies there’s always that one girl determined to somehow get through to the curmudgeonly protagonist and teach him to love again. That’s Hollywood for you. Most girls I know want to be loved back. Of course, when I’ve tried that, and I truly have loved women that I’ve dated, then it’s just a matter of time before the look appears. Being loving doesn’t work. Being the curmudgeon doesn’t work either, but it takes less effort and heartbreak.

So I guess what I’m saying, in a roundabout way, is this is why, during home evening tonight, I wasn’t all that excited about looking at my roommates’ fiances’ rings. Sorry to offend, gals!